The Frausto Collective

Bio Mom & Bonus Mom

Grace Under Fire

BLENDED FAMILYHEALTHY COPARENTINGFRIENDSHIPS

5/15/20263 min read

I became an empty nester before I even turned 40. My oldest is 21 and turning 22 this year. My son is 19 and about to be 20. My baby is 18 and closing in on 19. Three adult children, all raised, all thriving, and a season of motherhood that looks a little different now than it once did.

But before I tell you about this season, I want to tell you about the ones that got us here, because they were some of the best years of my life.

I had the incredible blessing of co-parenting alongside my children's bonus moms, and what we built together was something I wish every family could experience. We had brunches, lunches, and dinners so our kids could grow up close to their siblings. We sat together at games, school events, and functions. We hosted cookouts at each other's homes. We went to church together. We prayed together. It wasn't complicated, and it wasn't forced. It was just love, multiplied.

I think part of why this felt so natural to me is because I grew up in a blended family myself. My parents divorced when I was nine, and I watched my mom and my stepmom get along. I watched my dad and my stepdad get along. I grew up inside a healthy family dynamic, so when it came time to build one of my own, I already knew what was possible. Giving that same gift to my children, watching them grow up surrounded by more love instead of division, was one of the most beautiful blessings of my life.

To this day, I remain close with my kids' bonus moms. We still call and text just to catch up, just because. I love that for us. I love that for our kids.

Now I find myself on a different side of that same story. I have three bonus kids of my own, ages 12, 10, and 6, each with a personality all their own, and boy, do I walk on eggshells some days. They have called me "mom" on more than one occasion, and every time, I have to gently correct them and remind them I'm Brie. It breaks my heart every single time.

The truth is, they've told me they're comfortable calling me mom. They've asked to. But they're caught in the middle of something bigger than they are, torn between what feels natural to them and the backlash they know it might bring. Their dad worries about that same backlash too, so we tread carefully. We ask them to call me Brie, and I can see it makes them sad. But every now and then, one of them will sneak in a "mom" and flash me the biggest smile, like it's our little secret. It warms my heart every single time.

Not every relationship looks like the one I had with my kids' bonus moms. With my husband and his ex-wife, it's a different story, and I've had to make peace with that.

So if you're a mom reading this, whether you're the one hoping for that same connection with another mother, or you're the bonus mom walking your own version of eggshells, hear me when I say: it's okay. You don't have to force what isn't there, and you don't have to rush what needs time. Sometimes the most graceful thing you can do is let the fire be fire and refuse to pour your water on it, because sometimes water on the wrong fire only spreads the flame you never started.

You can still show up with grace. You can still raise your kids, bio and bonus, with love and stability. You can still build the beautiful family dynamic you dreamed of, one gentle moment at a time, even when the world outside your home makes it complicated.

Some relationships will bloom into lifelong friendship. Others simply won't, and that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means you keep choosing peace, and you let that be enough.

With gratitude for every kind of mother in my life,
Brunita Lilly

"Some co-parenting relationships bloom into lifelong friendship. Others don't, and that's okay too. A reflection on blended families, healthy boundaries, and choosing peace either way." - Brunita Lilly