Where Did the Manners Go?

The Old-School Lessons Our Kids Still Need.

RESPECTMANNERISMSPARENTING

9/8/202610 min read

The Importance of Eye Contact

I grew up in the 90s, and if you grew up during that time, you probably know exactly what I mean when I say that manners were not optional. You said “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir.” You greeted people properly. You looked adults in the eyes when they were speaking to you. You held the door open. You waited your turn. You said “please” and “thank you.” You offered your seat to someone who needed it. You cleaned up after yourself. And if you forgot your manners, there was usually a very quick reminder waiting for you at home, sometimes in the form of a tight whipping to the rear end. Looking back, I realize that although parenting styles have certainly changed, there were some lessons from that generation that I don't believe should ever disappear.

Times have changed, and I understand that. The world our children are growing up in is completely different from the world many of us knew as children. Technology is everywhere. Social media has changed the way we communicate. Phones, tablets, video games, and screens have become part of everyday life. But somewhere in the middle of all of that, I think we have allowed some of the simplest lessons to get lost. Basic manners, respect, responsibility, gratitude, awareness, and consideration for others are still important. In fact, I believe they may be more important now than ever.

I'm not writing this because I think today's children are bad. I'm writing this because I believe children still need to be taught how to respect themselves, respect others, take responsibility, and carry themselves with confidence. Children aren't born knowing how to be respectful adults. They have to be taught, and sometimes they have to be reminded over and over again. That's part of parenting.

Kindness is Key

There is something beautiful about teaching a child to stand when greeting someone. A firm handshake, making eye contact, and standing when an elder enters the room may seem like small gestures, but they communicate something much bigger. They say, “I see you. I respect you. You matter.” Some people may call these traditions outdated, but I don't. I call them respectful. Teaching a child to stand up, shake someone's hand, look them in the eye, and introduce themselves properly isn't about making them less independent or less confident. It's about teaching them how to carry themselves in the world.

The same goes for saying “yes, ma'am” and “no, sir.” I know not everyone uses these expressions anymore, and I understand that every family has different traditions. But I still believe there is value in teaching children to respectfully address adults, elders, teachers, leaders, and others in positions of responsibility. “Yes, ma'am.” “No, sir.” “Thank you.” “Excuse me.” “Please.” These are simple words, but they communicate respect. I don't believe saying “yes, ma'am” makes a child less confident. I believe it teaches them how to communicate respectfully while still knowing their own worth.

And then there is eye contact. In a world where our children are constantly looking down at phones, tablets, video games, and screens, I think we need to teach them to look up. When someone is speaking to you, look at them. Listen. Pay attention. You don't have to stare someone down, but you should be present enough to acknowledge that they are speaking to you. There is a difference between hearing someone and actually listening to them. Teaching a child to put the screen down, look up, and listen is teaching them that the person in front of them deserves their attention.

Holding the door open for someone is another simple gesture that I don't believe should ever disappear. And no, I don't believe this is just for boys. Kindness is not a gender-specific virtue. Awareness is not a gender-specific virtue. Service is not a gender-specific virtue. If someone is walking behind you, hold the door. If someone's hands are full, help them. If you see someone struggling, notice. We should raise children who don't walk through the world constantly thinking, “What's in it for me?” We should raise children who occasionally stop and ask, “How can I help?

Respecting Speech and Personal Space

We also need to teach our children to wait their turn to speak and not interrupt. Their voice matters, but so does everyone else's. They don't have to interrupt because their thought feels important. They don't have to talk over someone because they disagree. They don't have to be the loudest person in the room. Learning to wait your turn is a form of maturity because the truth is, what we have to say isn't automatically more important than what someone else is saying. Listen first, then speak. That simple lesson can follow a person throughout their entire life.

I also miss the days when people wrote thank-you notes. A “thx” text message isn't always enough. There is something meaningful about taking the time to actually write a thank-you note. It doesn't have to be elaborate, perfect, or fancy. It simply needs to communicate genuine gratitude. When someone gives you a gift, helps you, shows up for you, or does something meaningful for you, teach your children to acknowledge it. Gratitude deserves thought and effort.

Teach your children to notice when someone else needs a seat, too. If an elderly person walks into a room and there isn't a seat available, notice. If a mother is standing while holding a baby or caring for small children, notice. If someone needs the seat more than you do, offer yours. Chivalry isn't dead, but I do believe it's fading. And I don't want our children to grow up so consumed by themselves that they stop noticing the people around them. Raise children who notice.

We also have to teach children about personal space and boundaries. Social media has blurred so many boundaries. Children are growing up in a world where sharing everything is considered normal, but not everything needs to be shared. Not everyone wants a hug. Not everyone wants their picture taken. Not every conversation needs to be recorded. Not every private moment belongs online. Teach children that they can connect warmly with people while still respecting personal boundaries and personal space. Respect isn't just about how you speak to someone. It's also about knowing when to step back.

And please, let's talk about the phones at the dinner table. Dinner should be more than eating. It should be connection. It should be conversation. It should be family. Put the phones away. Look at one another. Ask about each other's day. Talk. Laugh. Listen. There will always be another notification. There will always be another video. There will always be another message. But childhood doesn't wait, and family time doesn't come back.

Gratitude and Consideration

Now I'm in another chapter of motherhood. I'm trying to pour those same lessons into my bonus children. It may take time. It may take patience. It may take more reminders than I ever imagined. But I'm going to keep teaching because one day they won't be children anymore. They will be adults standing on their own. And when that day comes, I want them to know how to take care of themselves, how to take care of their homes, how to take care of their responsibilities, how to communicate, how to listen, how to serve, how to respect, how to be respected, how to walk into a room with confidence and humility, and how to treat people with kindness.

One of the biggest lessons I am trying to teach my bonus children is responsibility. If you dirty a dish, clean it. If you make a mess, clean it. If you dirty your room, clean it. If you use the bathroom, leave it clean. If you change your clothes, pick them up. If you eat, clean up after yourself. We are not your maids. We are not your butlers. You have hands. You have feet. You are capable. You need to learn how to do things on your own.

Independence begins with responsibility. One day, you are going to be an adult. One day, you're going to have your own home, your own responsibilities, your own job, your own bills, your own relationships, and your own life. If you can't handle the basic responsibility of cleaning up after yourself, how are you going to function independently? How will you succeed in your future? These things may seem small when you're a child, but they aren't small lessons. They are habits that become part of who you are.

And yes, I'm going to say it: chew with your mouth closed. Put your napkin in your lap. Don't talk with food in your mouth. Wait until you've swallowed before speaking. These things may sound old-fashioned to some people, but they are still basic table manners. There is something to be said about teaching children how to carry themselves appropriately in different environments. You may not think about it now, but there will come a day when how you conduct yourself at a dinner table, in a meeting, at a job interview, or in someone's home matters.

Building Character

I also want my children to learn how to help without being asked. Don't always wait for someone to tell you what needs to be done. Look around. See what needs to be done. Help. If the trash is full, take it out. If the dishes need to be put away, put them away. If someone is carrying something heavy, offer to help. If the house needs cleaning, pick something up. People with genuine manners don't always need recognition. They simply notice and step in to help. That's character.

And then there is respect. Manners aren't just about saying the right words. You can say “yes, ma'am” and still be disrespectful. You can say “thank you” and still be inconsiderate. You can shake someone's hand and still treat people poorly. True manners come from the heart. They show up in how you speak, how you listen, how you respond when you're corrected, how you treat people who can't do anything for you, how you treat your family, how you treat strangers, how you take care of your home, how you handle responsibility, and how you respond when you don't get your way.

That includes talking back. Children need to learn that disagreement doesn't give them permission to be disrespectful. You can disagree respectfully. You can express your feelings respectfully. You can have your own opinion and still honor the person you're speaking to. That's maturity.

The reason I'm writing this today is because I'm living it right now. My bonus children do not always use the manners I was taught growing up, and I am trying relentlessly to instill these traits in them. Their dad is trying to instill these values as well. And honestly, it has been very difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself a hundred times. Sometimes I wonder if anything I'm saying is sinking in. But then I remind myself that children aren't born knowing how to be responsible adults. They have to be taught. They have to be shown. They have to be reminded. And teaching children takes patience.

I'm not expecting perfection from them. I'm trying to build character. I'm trying to teach them that the world does not revolve around them. I'm trying to teach them that independence comes with responsibility. I'm trying to teach them that respect is earned by showing respect. I'm trying to teach them that kindness costs nothing. I'm trying to teach them that how they treat people matters. And most importantly, I'm trying to teach them that the little things eventually become the big things.

Now I'm in another chapter of motherhood. I'm trying to pour those same lessons into my bonus children. It WILL take time. It WILL take patience. It WILL take more reminders than I ever imagined. But I'm going to keep teaching because one day they won't be children anymore. They will be adults standing on their own. And when that day comes, I want them to know how to take care of themselves, how to take care of their homes, how to take care of their responsibilities, how to communicate, how to listen, how to serve, how to respect, how to be respected, how to walk into a room with confidence and humility, and how to treat people with kindness.

My Adult Children

When I look at my adult children, I am incredibly proud of the people they have become. They have the best mannerisms. They are knowledgeable, respectful, responsible, wise with their finances, clean individuals who take care of their homes, and they have become independent adults. They live their lives with their faith at the center, and as a mother, there is no greater feeling than looking at your grown children and realizing that the lessons you worked so hard to teach them became part of who they are.

Respectfully Disagree

Maybe the world has changed. Maybe parenting has changed. Maybe childhood has changed. But I don't believe respect, kindness, responsibility, gratitude, and good manners should become outdated simply because the world around us has changed. We can embrace technology and still teach children to look someone in the eye. We can allow our children to have strong opinions and still teach them how to respectfully disagree. We can encourage independence and still teach them to serve others. We can give them phones and still teach them to put those phones away during dinner. We can raise confident children without raising entitled children. And we can love our children deeply while still holding them accountable.

So, where did these times go? Maybe they didn't completely disappear. Maybe we just need to bring some of them back.

I'm going to keep teaching these lessons in my home, not because I want my children to be perfect, but because I want them to be prepared for life. I want them to understand that how they carry themselves matters. How they treat people matters. How they take care of their responsibilities matters. Their ability to stand on their own matters.

Because manners aren't about being old-fashioned.

Manners are about character.

And character never goes out of style.

With gratitude and grace,
Brunita Lilly.